You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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