There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
