Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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