so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
