Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
