i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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