Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
