on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
