You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
