If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
