i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
