i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
