guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
