Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
