Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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