My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
