I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
