I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
