I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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