they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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