In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
