That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
