I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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