My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
