Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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