This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
