No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
