Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
