So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
