Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Barsexuality is the new black.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
