Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
