I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
