don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
