Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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