I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
