Did you just see the Batmobile???
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
