i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
