just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
