I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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