38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
They took my balls.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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