I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
