Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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