The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
