Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
