I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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