I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
