Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
