I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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