if we break up, who will get the dealer?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
