We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
