Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
